Nicotine Withdrawal? Maybe.

A sense of expectancy...something is going to happen. I’ve no clue what it is, but I’m here, waiting for it. Maybe I’m supposed to do something or maybe something is supposed to be done to me. There is this sense of urgency and unrest. An edginess. I can’t wrap my hands around it, can’t get entirely comfortable. I seem to be just a little on the edge of my seat. I feel I need to be prepared. But for what?

Lately my head turns quickly. I dart cautious glances over my shoulder...afraid I will miss some sign. Some indicator. My spirit is restless and wary. Tense and jittery. The ringing of the phone startles me. Concentration eludes me and my sleep is broken. When sitting still and reading, writing...whatever...there is an odd idea in the back of my mind that I need to get up and get...what?


Not cranky or grouchy. Not irritable. Not like that. It’s something else that causes me to wander aimlessly through the rooms in my house. The TV won’t hold my attention. I lean against the window, forehead and palms pressed against the cold of the glass. I can hear the wind and it disturbs me...it moans and the branches dance crazily. I peer outside into the gloom of a gray evening...rain threatens. Did someone call me?


I vaguely recollect conversations at work these past few days. People talk at me and I watch curiously while their mouths move. I nod my head...make appropriate noises, phone calls, emails. But I don’t remember exactly what was said...what was written...what was accomplished. My mind is elsewhere.


In my routine quiet of the evening, while completing my chores, cooking some dinner, talking to the cat, I stop and listen...again and again. For what am I listening? I wander aimlessly through the rooms in my house. I pass the door, turn and go back...open it and lean outside. Looking suspiciously right and left. (oh my God...I've become the neighborhood crazy lady...feared by small children jeered at by teenagers.) What is it?


Where did I leave my quietude? Is this all some manifestation of middle age and menopause? I am missing my composure and characteristic calm. I want a cigarette.