The Grand Scheme of Things

So I was at the office today, plugging away at my computer when I realized that I was straining to see what was on the screen. I could see all around the particular word, symbol, cell…whatever I was trying to focus on…but not the actual item. Half an hour or so went by and I realized I was straining more and more to see clearly. I began looking around my office and realized I really couldn't focus clearly on anything at all. It was remotely disturbing and prompted the thought, "I need more coffee. I’ll just get out of here and clear my head a little."

I walked over to the coffee shop across the alleyway and back…and was still having trouble seeing when I returned to my office. I mentioned the problem to a co-worker and she very strongly suggested I call my eye doctor…NOW! So I did and they said, “come in NOW!” The urgent insistence from my co-worker and the doctor’s office prompted this next disturbing thought:

Oh. My. God. I’ve got eye cancer. At the very least, a Killer Brain Tumor.


As I drove to the doctor's office, I swallowed the lead ball in my throat and thought to myself...I must be brave. I vaguely wondered how long it would take me to learn Braille. I imagined my children...deprived of their loving mother and secretely wondered how many people would attend my funeral and would the ones who were mean to me in grade school be really sorry now???.


Assuming I survive, would I have to go into some kind of rehab to learn another occupation? How would I make a living? By the time I had arrived at the doctor’s office I had planned out an entire scenario of selling my house, moving into an ADA apartment, getting a cane and a seeing eye dog, determining bus routes, learning sign language (I don’t know…maybe brain tumors cause deafness too???), installing wheelchair ramps and lowered light switchplates, learning how to give myself insulin shots and change a colostomy bag, Yes…I had a minor meltdown.


The doctor asked a lot of questions, took blood pressure (at the eye doctor???), dilated my eyes, etc., etc., stepped back and announced that I had a migraine headache.


Huh? Migraine headache? But…well, yeah…I had a slight headache, but no big deal. I wasn’t nauseated, wasn’t light sensitive (well…I wasn’t until he dilated my eyes!). I thought migraines caused horrendous pain and other symptoms?


And then he said in a very authoritative voice...(I can hardly bear to think of it)...he said..."you have to cut back on caffeine." I stared dumbly in stupified shock...the words not yet registering. He suggested, at my look of horror and disbelief, that I begin slowly by mixing decaf with regular coffee beans. I wonder if my insurance covers trauma counseling?


The doctor pronounced me cured and provided me with some hideously unfashionable paper sunglasses to wear outside. Because my eyes had been dilated…he said the light would hurt them. It was a foggy, overcast day today and I was determined to rip them off just as soon as I got outside. I don't need no stinkin' sunglasses! I was certain I couldn’t bear the humiliation of having to wear such a frightfully unattractive accessory. I’m not yet 85 and recovering from cataract surgery, ya’ know? Besides…I’m tough, I have a pretty high pain tolerance. So I stepped outside the doctor’s office into the daylight, removed the offending cardboard specs and...YOOOOOOWSA!!! Well…as it turns out, I am an eye-pain wimp. To my dismay I found it necessary to wear those things IN PUBLIC back to my car until I could get my REAL sunglasses on.


I sat in my car and put on my normal sunglasses and it occured to me that I was no longer afraid. And in spite of my spectacularly overactive imagination, I am just fine. I am so grateful to be healthy...and in the grand scheme of things, what's a little headache???