An End to It

Two weeks ago today I had my last cigarette. I’ve planned to quit smoking many times. I’ve thought...okay, once this pack is finished, that will be the end of it. But I would think about it too much and probably actually blow it up out of proportion in my mind. Make a much bigger deal of it than it is...worry that I couldn’t do it. And so I didn’t.

I actually did quit once before and didn’t smoke at all for 10 years. The odd thing is that I quit in exactly the same way I did this time. I didn’t really think about it. Just sort of ran out and didn’t go buy any more. That’s what happened this time. I didn’t plan to stop...simply ran out of cigarettes and thought, “well...that’s done.” Also, the thought occured to me that I am a very strong woman...sensible and determined. How is it that I have the good sense and strong will to keep destructive people and behaviours out of my life...but allow something like a cigarette to control me? What a ridiculous notion. That thought alone may have helped more than anything else to close the deal.

Unless I was around other smokers (which was VERY rare), I didn’t smoke very much at all. Still...I am amazingly addicted and very much want to smoke on those occasions that I always did. I think I went 2 or 3 days before I REALLY had a craving. But by then...I was so astonished that I had made it 2 or 3 days, I didn’t dare go backward. The second week seemed much harder than the first week…but since I had already made it a week without smoking, I DEFINITELY didn’t want to have to start over. I am so very pleased that I’ve made it two weeks!

It feels really, really good to say...”I am a non-smoker.” I waited a week before I did it...just in case. But I think I’m going to make it. I feel like beating my chest and proclaiming to the world this great feat I have accomplished. Here’s the thing though – I was a closet smoker and went way out of my way to hide from most everyone the fact that I was smoking. Consequently...there is no one to brag to. No one to understand that every day is difficult and no one to pat me on the back and encourage me (I’m having a little bit of a wimpy-whine here). Perhaps that’s the reason I’m posting here. I want to brag!

(The little voice inside my head repeats over and over...I hope I’ve stopped in time to save my life.)